Subject: How to be a Fighter Pilot
09-26-2012, 01:06 PM
#1
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Subject: How to be a Fighter Pilot
This link was sent to me by a friend...pretty funny (and accurate!)
The Book of the Courtier <http://bookofthecourtier.wordpress.com/>
How do you do everything you want to do and make it look easy?
How to be a fighter pilot
by bookofthecourtier
You know what? Screw talking about money on Friday like I usually do, I want to have some fun. So today, you get Harris’ authoritative guide on how to be a fighter pilot. What makes me the authority on fighter pilots? I happen to work with a bunch of real life fighter pilots, however I remain a detached third party because I myself am not a pilot. A-10 pilots, F-15 pilots, F-16 pilots, F-22 pilots, I know them all. After getting to know them, I’ve realized that being a fighter pilot isn’t about the jet. Well, the jet may be a tiny part of what makes a fighter pilot, but most of it comes from their unique characteristics. Here are things you have to do to be a real fighter pilot:
1. Drink diet soda. Seriously. 100% of fighter pilots drink either Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Mountain Dew, or Diet Dr. Pepper. You wouldn’t believe how much these macho men (women are rare anomalies in the fighter world) love their sissy diet drinks.
2. Never refer to something by its real name. This includes people. Coins become Round Metallic Objects, or RMOs. Everyone has a nickname to keep from using their real name, except you won’t call it a nickname, you’ll call it a callsign. Every unit has their own unique special names for stuff around the unit but a few are common across the community. Usually the penalty for calling something by its real name is having to donate $1 to the squadron fund or LPA. What’s the LPA? This brings us to our next point:
3. Never ever refer to something with words when letters will suffice. This results in fighter pilots using a lot of TLAs, or Three Letter Acronyms. The LPA is the Lieutenant’s Protection Association, which is a club that all lieutenants automatically belong to that helps keep them out of trouble. You’ll hear pilots making fun of other pilots for losing their SA, or possibly asking where the HMFIC is.
4. Have a fetish for children’s pajamas. What are the three most unique things about your pajamas as a kid compared to regular clothes? They are 1) a single garment, 2) have one big zipper down the front, and 3) fire retardant. The third one may not have been known to you as a kid, but all good children’s pajamas are fire retardant so they don’t melt on your kid if the house catches on fire. What are the three most unique things about a fighter pilot’s flight suit compared to regular clothes? You guessed it, they are 1) a single garment, 2) have one big zipper down the front, and 3) fire retardant.
5. Turn anything and everything into a sexual innuendo or possibly a joke about someone being gay. This is perhaps the most important item on the list. If you can’t make a joke about your wingman’s meatball lunch or the way they put that bottle of Coke Zero up to their lips then you aren’t cut out to be a fighter pilot. If you say something and realize after the fact that it could have been construed sexually, then you must recover by adding “so to speak” to your sentence. If someone else says “so to speak” before you then you have just lost man points.
6. Have a gigantic ego. If your current ego is not of sufficient size (so to speak), a larger one will be issued to you along with your wings.
7. Have an amazing babe-dar (a radar for hot babes). A fighter pilot’s babe-dar can spot an attractive female before she even walks into a room. This is why all fighter pilots have hot wives, they saw them and moved to intercept before the non fighter pilots even knew they were there. Also some of their excess ego turns into charisma so they can be really charming to the ladies.
8. Tell stories. A good fighter pilot can make his commute to work seem like a chase scene from Bullit. It’s not lying per se, embellishment would be a more accurate term.
9. (optional) Drive a cool car.
10. (optional) Grow a mustache during the month of March.
11. (optional) Get drunk at work on Friday afternoons, sing stupid songs, and swap stories. This one may be the best part about working with a bunch of fighter pilots. Wait, I mean drinking at work is discouraged and they would never act so unprofessionally.
12. (optional) Know how to fly a jet.
That’s pretty much all there is to being a fighter pilot. Sure, they do other things like studying and flying, but that only makes them pilots. To be a fighter pilot you have to be the best there is and follow the above list. I know I poked a little fun, but to be serious for just a second, these guys are great and I can say with 100% confidence that the reason we have the most powerful Air Force in the world is because we have the best pilots, hands down.
The Book of the Courtier <http://bookofthecourtier.wordpress.com/>
How do you do everything you want to do and make it look easy?
How to be a fighter pilot
by bookofthecourtier
You know what? Screw talking about money on Friday like I usually do, I want to have some fun. So today, you get Harris’ authoritative guide on how to be a fighter pilot. What makes me the authority on fighter pilots? I happen to work with a bunch of real life fighter pilots, however I remain a detached third party because I myself am not a pilot. A-10 pilots, F-15 pilots, F-16 pilots, F-22 pilots, I know them all. After getting to know them, I’ve realized that being a fighter pilot isn’t about the jet. Well, the jet may be a tiny part of what makes a fighter pilot, but most of it comes from their unique characteristics. Here are things you have to do to be a real fighter pilot:
1. Drink diet soda. Seriously. 100% of fighter pilots drink either Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Mountain Dew, or Diet Dr. Pepper. You wouldn’t believe how much these macho men (women are rare anomalies in the fighter world) love their sissy diet drinks.
2. Never refer to something by its real name. This includes people. Coins become Round Metallic Objects, or RMOs. Everyone has a nickname to keep from using their real name, except you won’t call it a nickname, you’ll call it a callsign. Every unit has their own unique special names for stuff around the unit but a few are common across the community. Usually the penalty for calling something by its real name is having to donate $1 to the squadron fund or LPA. What’s the LPA? This brings us to our next point:
3. Never ever refer to something with words when letters will suffice. This results in fighter pilots using a lot of TLAs, or Three Letter Acronyms. The LPA is the Lieutenant’s Protection Association, which is a club that all lieutenants automatically belong to that helps keep them out of trouble. You’ll hear pilots making fun of other pilots for losing their SA, or possibly asking where the HMFIC is.
4. Have a fetish for children’s pajamas. What are the three most unique things about your pajamas as a kid compared to regular clothes? They are 1) a single garment, 2) have one big zipper down the front, and 3) fire retardant. The third one may not have been known to you as a kid, but all good children’s pajamas are fire retardant so they don’t melt on your kid if the house catches on fire. What are the three most unique things about a fighter pilot’s flight suit compared to regular clothes? You guessed it, they are 1) a single garment, 2) have one big zipper down the front, and 3) fire retardant.
5. Turn anything and everything into a sexual innuendo or possibly a joke about someone being gay. This is perhaps the most important item on the list. If you can’t make a joke about your wingman’s meatball lunch or the way they put that bottle of Coke Zero up to their lips then you aren’t cut out to be a fighter pilot. If you say something and realize after the fact that it could have been construed sexually, then you must recover by adding “so to speak” to your sentence. If someone else says “so to speak” before you then you have just lost man points.
6. Have a gigantic ego. If your current ego is not of sufficient size (so to speak), a larger one will be issued to you along with your wings.
7. Have an amazing babe-dar (a radar for hot babes). A fighter pilot’s babe-dar can spot an attractive female before she even walks into a room. This is why all fighter pilots have hot wives, they saw them and moved to intercept before the non fighter pilots even knew they were there. Also some of their excess ego turns into charisma so they can be really charming to the ladies.
8. Tell stories. A good fighter pilot can make his commute to work seem like a chase scene from Bullit. It’s not lying per se, embellishment would be a more accurate term.
9. (optional) Drive a cool car.
10. (optional) Grow a mustache during the month of March.
11. (optional) Get drunk at work on Friday afternoons, sing stupid songs, and swap stories. This one may be the best part about working with a bunch of fighter pilots. Wait, I mean drinking at work is discouraged and they would never act so unprofessionally.
12. (optional) Know how to fly a jet.
That’s pretty much all there is to being a fighter pilot. Sure, they do other things like studying and flying, but that only makes them pilots. To be a fighter pilot you have to be the best there is and follow the above list. I know I poked a little fun, but to be serious for just a second, these guys are great and I can say with 100% confidence that the reason we have the most powerful Air Force in the world is because we have the best pilots, hands down.
09-26-2012, 01:28 PM
#2
Line Holder
Joined APC: Jan 2011
Posts: 55
Ah the good old days! Thanks for the memories. Just to add something more
...one must have total SA at all times during a conversation with a fellow fighter pilot. Never say a word which would immediately cause him to have an inappropriate thought in his head, er cranium. (Especially critical when TDY or remote). For example: container lunch vs ### lunch.
...Must be skilled in the fine art of crud.
...NO SLUGS!!!
...one must have total SA at all times during a conversation with a fellow fighter pilot. Never say a word which would immediately cause him to have an inappropriate thought in his head, er cranium. (Especially critical when TDY or remote). For example: container lunch vs ### lunch.
...Must be skilled in the fine art of crud.
...NO SLUGS!!!
09-27-2012, 02:39 AM
#4
China Visa Applicant
Joined APC: Oct 2006
Position: Midfield downwind
Posts: 1,928
Ah the good old days! Thanks for the memories. Just to add something more
...one must have total SA at all times during a conversation with a fellow fighter pilot. Never say a word which would immediately cause him to have an inappropriate thought in his head, er cranium. (Especially critical when TDY or remote). For example: container lunch vs ### lunch.
...Must be skilled in the fine art of crud.
...NO SLUGS!!!
...one must have total SA at all times during a conversation with a fellow fighter pilot. Never say a word which would immediately cause him to have an inappropriate thought in his head, er cranium. (Especially critical when TDY or remote). For example: container lunch vs ### lunch.
...Must be skilled in the fine art of crud.
...NO SLUGS!!!
If you hadn't earned it, then you were required to use the substitute words.
Obviously the game has mutated a little for the PC age.
09-27-2012, 07:54 AM
#5
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Dec 2007
Position: Retired
Posts: 404
Some fighter pilots just can't let go of it either. I remember when I first got hired at FedEx years ago, we were flying night turns to Shreveport in the 727. The Captain was a former fighter pilot and the F/O and I were both retired heavy drivers. We had been doing the trip all week and every night the Captain conducted the "Mission Briefing" and talked about "Tonight's Sortie". Lord, you would have thought we were going to downtown Hanoi!
09-27-2012, 08:06 AM
#6
Moderator
Joined APC: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,964
It would be interesting to hear some left seat stories of fighter grandeur followed by some of the stories from the right seat.
Charles O. Hobaugh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Charles O. Hobaugh - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
09-28-2012, 03:36 AM
#7
China Visa Applicant
Joined APC: Oct 2006
Position: Midfield downwind
Posts: 1,928
Some fighter pilots just can't let go of it either. I remember when I first got hired at FedEx years ago, we were flying night turns to Shreveport in the 727. The Captain was a former fighter pilot and the F/O and I were both retired heavy drivers. We had been doing the trip all week and every night the Captain conducted the "Mission Briefing" and talked about "Tonight's Sortie". Lord, you would have thought we were going to downtown Hanoi!
But, valid insight on how not to act in follow-on careers once you've hung up the G-suit and helmet for good.
09-28-2012, 04:16 AM
#8
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Mar 2008
Position: FAA 'Flight Check'
Posts: 13,839
Some fighter pilots just can't let go of it either. I remember when I first got hired at FedEx years ago, we were flying night turns to Shreveport in the 727. The Captain was a former fighter pilot and the F/O and I were both retired heavy drivers. We had been doing the trip all week and every night the Captain conducted the "Mission Briefing" and talked about "Tonight's Sortie". Lord, you would have thought we were going to downtown Hanoi!
Yes! And I have never sat next to a former heavy driver who told story after story of the travels and exotic TDYs encounter along with how they saved some fighter guy's butt at some time in their career! 
Lucky for me I like the stories, so talk on!
USMCFLYR
09-28-2012, 05:52 AM
#9
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Nov 2006
Position: Body at sea level; heart at 70,000+
Posts: 1,349
Being a "fighter pilot" is a state of mind not which airplane you fly. The most rewarding flying for me was C-141 airevac missions. The most challenging was an RB-57F at 70,000 feet in a small airspeed coffin corner. The most dangerous was as a Ranch Hand pilot in Vietnam spraying at 100 feet, 60 degree bank turns while a bunch of bad guys tried to shoot your a** off. In all of them I considered myself to have a "fighter pilot attitude."
09-28-2012, 11:39 AM
#10
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Feb 2006
Position: 767A (Ret)
Posts: 6,248
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