Airline Life
03-08-2007, 05:51 PM
#1
Line Holder
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Oct 2005
Position: Tanker Toad
Posts: 44
Airline Life
"**Life as an Airline Pilot"…………………and so he begins……….
22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school.
Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old : Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot
at in war. Just want to get back to USA in one piece. Get
back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored.
Volunteer for war again.
29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Want out of military.
30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the
military poverty feeling.
32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and
maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while
looking for 2nd wife.
33 years old: Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for
fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old: Airline recall. More screwing around, but looking
forward to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.
37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father
again. Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve
flying so you resign commission.
39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small
single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker,
but still wants share of house (100%).
43 years old: Settle with wife # 2 and resolve to stay away from
women forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay
override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment
with window air conditioners.
44 years old: Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status.
25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment
with central air conditioning.
50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She
loves you and says you are very "beeeeg!"
51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house,
boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get
vasectomy.
54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's pregnant.
She says she got sick after taking the pill. "Accident, sorry,
won't happen again."
55 years old: Father of triplets.
56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy
cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants you to sell
twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join
motorcycle club.
57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for
retirement.
59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS.
You have to fly 100% International night trips just to keep up
with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no
fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You're forced
to retire due to Age 60 rule. No money left.
61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight
outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly
underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l. You have
"interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you've ever flown DC-3's.
65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don't look
forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every god-forsaken
town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours
sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes
off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!
Ain't aviation great?
22 years old: Graduated from college. Go to military flight school.
Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old : Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot
at in war. Just want to get back to USA in one piece. Get
back to USA as primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored.
Volunteer for war again.
29 years old: Get back from war all tuckered out. Want out of military.
30 years old: Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old: Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the
military poverty feeling.
32 years old: Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and
maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while
looking for 2nd wife.
33 years old: Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for
fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old: Airline recall. More screwing around, but looking
forward to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old: Marry young spunky 25 year old flight attendant.
37 years old: Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old: Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father
again. Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve
flying so you resign commission.
39 years old: Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small
single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old: 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker,
but still wants share of house (100%).
43 years old: Settle with wife # 2 and resolve to stay away from
women forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay
override to pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment
with window air conditioners.
44 years old: Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status.
25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old: Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment
with central air conditioning.
50 years old: Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She
loves you and says you are very "beeeeg!"
51 years old: Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house,
boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old: Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get
vasectomy.
54 years old: Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's pregnant.
She says she got sick after taking the pill. "Accident, sorry,
won't happen again."
55 years old: Father of triplets.
56 years old: Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very flashy
cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants you to sell
twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle and join
motorcycle club.
57 years old: Make rash investments to try and have enough money for
retirement.
59 years old: Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the IRS.
You have to fly 100% International night trips just to keep up
with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
60 years old: Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no
fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You're forced
to retire due to Age 60 rule. No money left.
61 years old: Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727 freight
outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment directly
underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l. You have
"interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if you've ever flown DC-3's.
65 years old: Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don't look
forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every god-forsaken
town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find cheap, off-hours
sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old: Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember goes
off at 1:00 AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face. Happy at last!
Ain't aviation great?
03-08-2007, 06:25 PM
#2
Line Holder
Joined APC: Feb 2007
Posts: 25
There was a similar thing to this for us Brit Mil C-130 Drivers only it dealt with a day in the life, sorry about the length of post but it has its humerous bits...
Goes something like this....
0700L - Woken by telephone call. It's another crew member reminding you that wheels are at 0700L.
0700.5L - Leave hotel room fully clothed, refreshed, with bags packed, ready to face the day's challenges.
0705L - Get to bus. Apologise to rest of your crew for your tardiness. Claim that you spent too long in the gym that morning. Note looks of disbelief. Remember not to use that excuse again.
0706L - Take seat on bus. Note t-shirt is on inside out. Hope nobody else notices.
0720L - Recline in air conditioned luxury as the bus propels you to the airport. Suspect that you didn't pack your shoes and that your washbag is still in the hotel bathroom.
0745L - Arrive at airport and debus. Note that suitcase is suspiciously light. Now fairly confident that shoes are still under hotel bed.
0800L - Negotiate airport security. Spend several minutes being told that you cannot take the knife on your flying suit onto the aircraft without the captain's permission. Explain that you are the captain.
0810L - Still negotiating airport security. Guard now on telephone to superiors. Suspect he does not believe that you are the captain. Remember t-shirt is on inside out. Now suspect that you have also not brushed your hair this morning. Try to see reflection in window to confirm. Get funny looks from guard.
0815L - Eventually allowed to pass on the understanding that you hand the knife to loadmaster for safe keeping until you reach the aircraft. Leave knife and now worryingly light suitcase with loadmaster and proceed to Met.
0820L - In depth met brief for 15 minutes as very keen met officer explains that there is in fact no weather within a 500nm radius of the airport or your destination.
0835L - extract a selection of performance figures from a variety of graphs.
0845L - compare selection of figures with those of co-pilot. Decide that they're close enough although suspect that the co-pilot isn't entirely sure what's going on.
0850L - The cause of the co-pilot's distraction becomes apparent when he announces that he has left the imprest (bag o' money) in the hotel safe.
0853L - stop laughing to take a breath.
0854L - Co-pilot disappears to find taxi back to hotel. Decide that you've briefed enough and head out to the aircraft.
0858L - Arrive at aircraft. Loadmaster now extremely hot and sweaty manhandling pallets single handedly into aircraft, cursing the local handling staff. Praise him for his hard work. Pretend to miss his request for help and proceed outside hastily. Spot Flt Eng and Gnd Eng looking concernedly at a large trail of orange fluid emanating from an engine. Saunter over casually to join them but they spot you and pretend they were talking about football. Mention the large leak. Note they both feign surprise and pretend they hadn't seen it. They dismiss it as a "seep". Retire to flight deck safe in the knowledge that they will die with you if it explodes in flight so assume that it'll probably be alright. Note tray of sandwiches on flt deck bunk.
0910L - Finish last smoked salmon and cream cheese baguette just as the now exhausted loadmaster joins you on the flight deck. Apparently he could really do with a smoked salmon baguette. State that sadly there were none. Surreptitiously wipe cream cheese and salmon from your chin and hope he didn't notice. Offer him processed ham and gherkin sandwich. He declines.
0925L - Co-pilot returns looking somewhat frustrated. Establish that imprest had in fact been in his suitcase all along.
0935L - Call for crew check in on intercom then realise you are in fact the only one on headset. Again, hope no-one noticed. Eventually gather enough people on intercom.
0937L - Commence starting checks. During start a light on the top panel comes on. Remember seeing this light during a simulator once but cannot recall what exactly it is. Flt Eng begins explaining an electrical fault with the aid of a large wiring diagram. Nod every now and then and agree with him at salient points. Wonder if you shaved this morning.
0940L - Fault rectified, taxy off blocks. Only 10 minutes late. Not bad going.
0941L - ATC pass lengthy clearance. Note the co-pilot copies down "ATC Clears Ascot 5432 to destination..." and then nothing else. ATC requests readback. Co-pilot asks - "did anybody get that". Navigator proceeds to pass the details to him. Flt Eng assists by commenting that he thought the clearance was slightly different. Flt Eng and Navigator argue. Co-pilot drops pencil. You note that your cup of tea has gone cold.
0945L - Cleared line up.
0946L - Airborne. Gear up. Now positive that your shoes are still in hotel.
1100L – Top of climb. Autopilot appears to be u/s. Express relief that it’s the co-pilot’s leg.
1115L – Commence first meal.
1130L – Replete from meal, retire to freight bay to use the “facilities”. On return, note large pallet of full mail bags. A quick test reveals the pile to extremely comfortable. Relax eyelids briefly.
1400L - Return to flight deck to find co-pilot now desperate to use “facilities”. Explain that you were delayed discussing your routing with some of the pax down the back. Take control.
1405L – Co-pilot returns. Comments that the passengers must all be asleep in the freight now as he couldn’t see them. Remember vaguely that you actually have no pax.
1415L – Pass overhead large international airport. Nil cloud or weather, calm, unlimited visibility. Co-pilot asks you get the weather for the airfield below. Look out window. Navigator asks for the QNH there. Make up figure.
1500L – Get cramp. Go to “inspect the freight bay”. Discover that loadmaster has been hoarding chocolate in his drawer in the galley. Steal the good ones.
1520L – Steal Flt Eng’s FHM. Read out the jokes at the back. Flt Eng comments that they have already been read out earlier in the flight. Look busy with Jetplan.
1600L – Top of descent.
1615L – Commence second meal. Spill curry on flying suit leg when putting the gear down.
1630L – Aircraft lands at destination.
1640L – On chocks. Aircraft met by officious customs man who demands that the can of coke you are now drinking from be destroyed before you can leave the aircraft.
1830L – Eventually find bus to take crew to hotel. Despite having been on the ground for 1.5hrs it still takes 30 minutes for every man and his dog to get on the bus.
1915L – Arrive at Hotel Splendide. Receptionist requires passports, ID cards and birth certificates from each crew member.
1957L – Eventually receive room key. Arrange to meet in co-pilots room in 10 minutes for more money.
2006L – Finally get to room. Happens to be most distant room from reception. Again. Open suitcase. As expected no shoes. Or washbag. Find trousers that go best with flying boots.
2008L – Arrive one minute late at co-pilot’s room to discover he has gone. Adjourn to hotel bar. Crew member visited this location 7 years ago. Remembers a fantastic bar. Set out to find bar.
2230L – Arrive back at hotel bar having walked around city centre twice in search of bar. Crew member then remembers that in fact the bar wasn’t in this town but one like it. Blow entire kitty on one round of beers at hotel prices.
2345L – GE gets address of low quality strip bar from hotel barman. You decide it’s bedtime. Crew members engage in harsh banter. You hold your ground.
2346L – Leave hotel for low quality strip bar. Evening becomes a blur..............
0700L – Woken by telephone call.......................
Goes something like this....
0700L - Woken by telephone call. It's another crew member reminding you that wheels are at 0700L.
0700.5L - Leave hotel room fully clothed, refreshed, with bags packed, ready to face the day's challenges.
0705L - Get to bus. Apologise to rest of your crew for your tardiness. Claim that you spent too long in the gym that morning. Note looks of disbelief. Remember not to use that excuse again.
0706L - Take seat on bus. Note t-shirt is on inside out. Hope nobody else notices.
0720L - Recline in air conditioned luxury as the bus propels you to the airport. Suspect that you didn't pack your shoes and that your washbag is still in the hotel bathroom.
0745L - Arrive at airport and debus. Note that suitcase is suspiciously light. Now fairly confident that shoes are still under hotel bed.
0800L - Negotiate airport security. Spend several minutes being told that you cannot take the knife on your flying suit onto the aircraft without the captain's permission. Explain that you are the captain.
0810L - Still negotiating airport security. Guard now on telephone to superiors. Suspect he does not believe that you are the captain. Remember t-shirt is on inside out. Now suspect that you have also not brushed your hair this morning. Try to see reflection in window to confirm. Get funny looks from guard.
0815L - Eventually allowed to pass on the understanding that you hand the knife to loadmaster for safe keeping until you reach the aircraft. Leave knife and now worryingly light suitcase with loadmaster and proceed to Met.
0820L - In depth met brief for 15 minutes as very keen met officer explains that there is in fact no weather within a 500nm radius of the airport or your destination.
0835L - extract a selection of performance figures from a variety of graphs.
0845L - compare selection of figures with those of co-pilot. Decide that they're close enough although suspect that the co-pilot isn't entirely sure what's going on.
0850L - The cause of the co-pilot's distraction becomes apparent when he announces that he has left the imprest (bag o' money) in the hotel safe.
0853L - stop laughing to take a breath.
0854L - Co-pilot disappears to find taxi back to hotel. Decide that you've briefed enough and head out to the aircraft.
0858L - Arrive at aircraft. Loadmaster now extremely hot and sweaty manhandling pallets single handedly into aircraft, cursing the local handling staff. Praise him for his hard work. Pretend to miss his request for help and proceed outside hastily. Spot Flt Eng and Gnd Eng looking concernedly at a large trail of orange fluid emanating from an engine. Saunter over casually to join them but they spot you and pretend they were talking about football. Mention the large leak. Note they both feign surprise and pretend they hadn't seen it. They dismiss it as a "seep". Retire to flight deck safe in the knowledge that they will die with you if it explodes in flight so assume that it'll probably be alright. Note tray of sandwiches on flt deck bunk.
0910L - Finish last smoked salmon and cream cheese baguette just as the now exhausted loadmaster joins you on the flight deck. Apparently he could really do with a smoked salmon baguette. State that sadly there were none. Surreptitiously wipe cream cheese and salmon from your chin and hope he didn't notice. Offer him processed ham and gherkin sandwich. He declines.
0925L - Co-pilot returns looking somewhat frustrated. Establish that imprest had in fact been in his suitcase all along.
0935L - Call for crew check in on intercom then realise you are in fact the only one on headset. Again, hope no-one noticed. Eventually gather enough people on intercom.
0937L - Commence starting checks. During start a light on the top panel comes on. Remember seeing this light during a simulator once but cannot recall what exactly it is. Flt Eng begins explaining an electrical fault with the aid of a large wiring diagram. Nod every now and then and agree with him at salient points. Wonder if you shaved this morning.
0940L - Fault rectified, taxy off blocks. Only 10 minutes late. Not bad going.
0941L - ATC pass lengthy clearance. Note the co-pilot copies down "ATC Clears Ascot 5432 to destination..." and then nothing else. ATC requests readback. Co-pilot asks - "did anybody get that". Navigator proceeds to pass the details to him. Flt Eng assists by commenting that he thought the clearance was slightly different. Flt Eng and Navigator argue. Co-pilot drops pencil. You note that your cup of tea has gone cold.
0945L - Cleared line up.
0946L - Airborne. Gear up. Now positive that your shoes are still in hotel.
1100L – Top of climb. Autopilot appears to be u/s. Express relief that it’s the co-pilot’s leg.
1115L – Commence first meal.
1130L – Replete from meal, retire to freight bay to use the “facilities”. On return, note large pallet of full mail bags. A quick test reveals the pile to extremely comfortable. Relax eyelids briefly.
1400L - Return to flight deck to find co-pilot now desperate to use “facilities”. Explain that you were delayed discussing your routing with some of the pax down the back. Take control.
1405L – Co-pilot returns. Comments that the passengers must all be asleep in the freight now as he couldn’t see them. Remember vaguely that you actually have no pax.
1415L – Pass overhead large international airport. Nil cloud or weather, calm, unlimited visibility. Co-pilot asks you get the weather for the airfield below. Look out window. Navigator asks for the QNH there. Make up figure.
1500L – Get cramp. Go to “inspect the freight bay”. Discover that loadmaster has been hoarding chocolate in his drawer in the galley. Steal the good ones.
1520L – Steal Flt Eng’s FHM. Read out the jokes at the back. Flt Eng comments that they have already been read out earlier in the flight. Look busy with Jetplan.
1600L – Top of descent.
1615L – Commence second meal. Spill curry on flying suit leg when putting the gear down.
1630L – Aircraft lands at destination.
1640L – On chocks. Aircraft met by officious customs man who demands that the can of coke you are now drinking from be destroyed before you can leave the aircraft.
1830L – Eventually find bus to take crew to hotel. Despite having been on the ground for 1.5hrs it still takes 30 minutes for every man and his dog to get on the bus.
1915L – Arrive at Hotel Splendide. Receptionist requires passports, ID cards and birth certificates from each crew member.
1957L – Eventually receive room key. Arrange to meet in co-pilots room in 10 minutes for more money.
2006L – Finally get to room. Happens to be most distant room from reception. Again. Open suitcase. As expected no shoes. Or washbag. Find trousers that go best with flying boots.
2008L – Arrive one minute late at co-pilot’s room to discover he has gone. Adjourn to hotel bar. Crew member visited this location 7 years ago. Remembers a fantastic bar. Set out to find bar.
2230L – Arrive back at hotel bar having walked around city centre twice in search of bar. Crew member then remembers that in fact the bar wasn’t in this town but one like it. Blow entire kitty on one round of beers at hotel prices.
2345L – GE gets address of low quality strip bar from hotel barman. You decide it’s bedtime. Crew members engage in harsh banter. You hold your ground.
2346L – Leave hotel for low quality strip bar. Evening becomes a blur..............
0700L – Woken by telephone call.......................
03-08-2007, 06:48 PM
#3
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Oct 2005
Posts: 900
03-09-2007, 05:03 AM
#5
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Nov 2006
Position: Passed out in my hammock
Posts: 299
It's all good though. I'll gladly take the pay cut to avoid going back to the Middle East.
03-09-2007, 08:27 AM
#6
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Nov 2006
Position: 737 Left
Posts: 828
1405L – Co-pilot returns. Comments that the passengers must all be asleep in the freight now as he couldn’t see them. Remember vaguely that you actually have no pax.
1415L – Pass overhead large international airport. Nil cloud or weather, calm, unlimited visibility. Co-pilot asks you get the weather for the airfield below. Look out window. Navigator asks for the QNH there. Make up figure.
Absolutely hilarious.
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03-22-2007 04:10 PM
