UnderOveur

Two FA's had gone for a girl's night out. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they both had to pee, so they stopped at a cemetery they happened to be passing by. Finished, but having no tissue, the 1st FA took off her panties and used them. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them. But she had squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she used that. Then they stumbled on home.

The next day one of the FA's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear-end that said, "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

Red Forman

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes!
Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!

LNL76

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.

UnderOveur

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Excited, Little Johnny ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

UnderOveur

A Vampire Bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood.
He parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to **** off and to let him get
some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"Ok, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave, with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down thru a valley they went, across a river and into a huge
forest of trees. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats milled
excitedly around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large Oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" screamed the bats in a frenzy.

"Good! Because I ****ing didn't!"

Airhoss

So a Baptist, a Catholic and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?".....

Spooledup

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

... "S*#t Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

"So, here I am. You guys want a beer?"

Spooledup

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed,
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, just look at his clothes !
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. Look, if he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...just do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey.. I love you !'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck dear,
he was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too !'

Spooledup

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The

parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Spooledup

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> A carton of eggs
> A quart of orange juice
> A head of lettuce
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> A 1 lb. package of bacon

> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
> drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
> cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
> calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

> I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
> unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
> marital status..
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But
> how on earth did you know that?'

> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.