New Plan for US Airways (humor)
10-19-2011, 08:34 PM
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New Plan for US Airways (humor)
This just in from Tempe, AZ:
USAirways to unmerge, drop name, revive Mohawk / PanAm brands
Associated Press – 19 October 2011.
Industry pundits expecting a USAirways / American merger in the near future received surprising news today, with the carrier announcing that it would retroactively annul all of its mergers, and restore the original airlines, dating all the way back to 1984.
An executive familiar with the deal, who asked not to be named, told the Associated Press that the airline would revive four of the former “Heritage” airlines that make up the current airline: America West, Piedmont, Empire and Trump Shuttle. It will also restore the original USAir but it will not keep the name, choosing instead to revive the Mohawk Airlines brand, which it acquired in 1969.
“This makes perfect sense” the Executive stated. “In today’s airline business the only way you can make money as an Executive is by making deals and keeping the stock price up. So you merge, get your bonus, then cut capacity by 10% and shrink your way to profitability while looking for the next merger. The paradigm here is that the only thing better than one deal to get bigger is five deals to get smaller. You get paid for successfully completing five deals (ca-ching!), then you shrink each individual, smaller airline by 10% which is way more efficient than shrinking one big one, so you get a bigger bonus there, then after a couple of years, you re-merge the company. That’s another five merger deals and the fees that come with that. In the end, you have the same airline, except that I got paid for making 10 deals and the airline got shrunk way more than could have been done as a stand alone, without the stock price suffering, which means my stock options are going to be doing great. It is no lose situation for me.”
Although the company expects to assign employees to the new airlines based on geographic location, it has a different plan for its flight and cabin crew, which the company plans to integrate when it allocates assets to each new airline based on a “what’s left of your old airline” basis.
In a letter to employees, the company explained it as follows: “If your old airline brought 1000 pilots to the merger, and there are 500 left now, the new airline will get half the aircraft that it originally brought to the merger”.
Based on that metric, the company expects to allocate all of its EMB-190s to the former Trump Shuttle Pilots who will be based in DC. Piedmont Airlines will receive a few of the 767s, some 737s and some smaller Airbuses. About 10 A320 series Airbuses will be assigned to Empire. Since the majority of the America West pilots are still at the airline, the new America West will be able to keep its current 124 aircraft, and receive another 20 from the pool to bring it back up to its pre-merger 144.
The remainder of the fleet will be split up with the remaining narrowbodies going to USAir – which will be renamed Mohawk- and a new international-only airline which will fly under the recently acquired PanAm name and logo.
“Once again, this is the most simple, elegant and logic solution” the Executive explained. "Before they merged with Piedmont, USAir was a regional carrier flying up and down the East Coast. With this allocation, they will return to that. However, the unfortunate thing is that, as far as positive name recognition is concerned, USAir is on a par with the Casey Anthony Day Care center. So we decided to go back into history and revive the Mohawk brand. Nobody remembers that airline so it’s a clean slate, and with a name like that we should be able to get a really cool logo.”
The remaining aircraft, B767s and A330s will be assigned to PanAm and will operate the current USAirways international routes out of Philadelphia and Charlotte. “We had to go with PanAm. It’s a really hip, popular show, people love it, and ABC is basically doing the marketing for us, so from a data-driven standpoint it was a no-brainer".
When asked how this would work, considering that the USAirways pilots have been engaged in a long-term seniority battle, the company stated that the un-merger would bring an end to all litigation regarding the matter.
“It’s already done” the Executive explained. “Everybody is going back to their original seniority list and their original labor contract. The America West pilots are still on the same list and the same contract as they were pre-merger and the 1970/80s era contracts for the Empire, Shuttle, Piedmont and USAir (Mohawk) pilots are actually better then the bankruptcy contract they work under now. Everybody wins!”.
The PanAm pilot slots will be filled by current USAirways pilots who will be allowed to bid on the available slots. “After all the pilots go back to their original airlines, we expect to the a little heavy on the staffing, and we’ll need pilots to fly the PanAm routes. So we will give all USAirways pilots preferential treatment when filling these positions. This will be done by silent auction. The company will state how many positions are available and pilots will submit their requested salary and benefits by sealed envelope. The lowest bidders will be allowed to fly to all nighters to Europe where they will dine in some of the finest tourist traps while waiters make fun of them behind their backs. It’s a small price to pay to be able to call yourself an “International Widebody PanAm pilot”, just like Leonardo di Caprio in "Catch me if you can". And that guy got a lot of chicks. In case there aren’t any acceptable bids, we will be forced to hire from the street, and some of the new airlines may be forced to furlough. It’s all up to the pilots now. We’re neutral.”
Upper Management does not expect to have much problems with the labor unions. “It’s an unmerger, which means that all the separate airlines go back to their original labor unions. By the time they are done infighting, this unmerger will be over and done with.”, the Executive remarked while entering Charlie’s Steakhouse to join the rest of the management team in a celebratory dinner.
USAirways to unmerge, drop name, revive Mohawk / PanAm brands
Associated Press – 19 October 2011.
Industry pundits expecting a USAirways / American merger in the near future received surprising news today, with the carrier announcing that it would retroactively annul all of its mergers, and restore the original airlines, dating all the way back to 1984.
An executive familiar with the deal, who asked not to be named, told the Associated Press that the airline would revive four of the former “Heritage” airlines that make up the current airline: America West, Piedmont, Empire and Trump Shuttle. It will also restore the original USAir but it will not keep the name, choosing instead to revive the Mohawk Airlines brand, which it acquired in 1969.
“This makes perfect sense” the Executive stated. “In today’s airline business the only way you can make money as an Executive is by making deals and keeping the stock price up. So you merge, get your bonus, then cut capacity by 10% and shrink your way to profitability while looking for the next merger. The paradigm here is that the only thing better than one deal to get bigger is five deals to get smaller. You get paid for successfully completing five deals (ca-ching!), then you shrink each individual, smaller airline by 10% which is way more efficient than shrinking one big one, so you get a bigger bonus there, then after a couple of years, you re-merge the company. That’s another five merger deals and the fees that come with that. In the end, you have the same airline, except that I got paid for making 10 deals and the airline got shrunk way more than could have been done as a stand alone, without the stock price suffering, which means my stock options are going to be doing great. It is no lose situation for me.”
Although the company expects to assign employees to the new airlines based on geographic location, it has a different plan for its flight and cabin crew, which the company plans to integrate when it allocates assets to each new airline based on a “what’s left of your old airline” basis.
In a letter to employees, the company explained it as follows: “If your old airline brought 1000 pilots to the merger, and there are 500 left now, the new airline will get half the aircraft that it originally brought to the merger”.
Based on that metric, the company expects to allocate all of its EMB-190s to the former Trump Shuttle Pilots who will be based in DC. Piedmont Airlines will receive a few of the 767s, some 737s and some smaller Airbuses. About 10 A320 series Airbuses will be assigned to Empire. Since the majority of the America West pilots are still at the airline, the new America West will be able to keep its current 124 aircraft, and receive another 20 from the pool to bring it back up to its pre-merger 144.
The remainder of the fleet will be split up with the remaining narrowbodies going to USAir – which will be renamed Mohawk- and a new international-only airline which will fly under the recently acquired PanAm name and logo.
“Once again, this is the most simple, elegant and logic solution” the Executive explained. "Before they merged with Piedmont, USAir was a regional carrier flying up and down the East Coast. With this allocation, they will return to that. However, the unfortunate thing is that, as far as positive name recognition is concerned, USAir is on a par with the Casey Anthony Day Care center. So we decided to go back into history and revive the Mohawk brand. Nobody remembers that airline so it’s a clean slate, and with a name like that we should be able to get a really cool logo.”
The remaining aircraft, B767s and A330s will be assigned to PanAm and will operate the current USAirways international routes out of Philadelphia and Charlotte. “We had to go with PanAm. It’s a really hip, popular show, people love it, and ABC is basically doing the marketing for us, so from a data-driven standpoint it was a no-brainer".
When asked how this would work, considering that the USAirways pilots have been engaged in a long-term seniority battle, the company stated that the un-merger would bring an end to all litigation regarding the matter.
“It’s already done” the Executive explained. “Everybody is going back to their original seniority list and their original labor contract. The America West pilots are still on the same list and the same contract as they were pre-merger and the 1970/80s era contracts for the Empire, Shuttle, Piedmont and USAir (Mohawk) pilots are actually better then the bankruptcy contract they work under now. Everybody wins!”.
The PanAm pilot slots will be filled by current USAirways pilots who will be allowed to bid on the available slots. “After all the pilots go back to their original airlines, we expect to the a little heavy on the staffing, and we’ll need pilots to fly the PanAm routes. So we will give all USAirways pilots preferential treatment when filling these positions. This will be done by silent auction. The company will state how many positions are available and pilots will submit their requested salary and benefits by sealed envelope. The lowest bidders will be allowed to fly to all nighters to Europe where they will dine in some of the finest tourist traps while waiters make fun of them behind their backs. It’s a small price to pay to be able to call yourself an “International Widebody PanAm pilot”, just like Leonardo di Caprio in "Catch me if you can". And that guy got a lot of chicks. In case there aren’t any acceptable bids, we will be forced to hire from the street, and some of the new airlines may be forced to furlough. It’s all up to the pilots now. We’re neutral.”
Upper Management does not expect to have much problems with the labor unions. “It’s an unmerger, which means that all the separate airlines go back to their original labor unions. By the time they are done infighting, this unmerger will be over and done with.”, the Executive remarked while entering Charlie’s Steakhouse to join the rest of the management team in a celebratory dinner.
Yawn
10-20-2011, 07:22 PM
#9
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Joined APC: Sep 2008
Position: seated beer curl
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