Let's tell a joke
02-12-2010, 12:32 PM
#11
Gets Weekends Off
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Mar 2008
Position: Putting them back in their place!!!
Posts: 158
What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?
-- 1976 hide-and-seek champion.
And.............another:
Two airline executives go on a moose hunting trip. They hire the cheapest bush pilot they can find and he flies them in his ski plane out into the Alaskan wilderness. After landing on a lake and dropping them off with all their gear, he say, “I’ll be back in a week to pick you up – but you can only have one moose between you. The airplane’s not big enough to carry any more than that.” The execs agree and head out as the pilot flies off.
A week later he lands on the lake, pulls up to the shore and sees the execs waiting for him. All their stuff is packed up and two dead moose are lying at their feet. The pilot is furious. He shuts down and jumps out of the plane. “You idiots, I told you one moose. Now we’re going to have to leave the other here to rot. What were you thinking?”
One of the execs replies, “Last year we paid the pilot an extra $500 and he flew us out.”
The pilot is intrigued and starts thinking. “I could really use the extra money, hold on.” He does some performance calculations in the sand and decides, “Okay – I think we can do it”. They load up all their gear, strap one moose to a wing and the other to the opposite wing. The pilot fires up the plane and they start the takeoff run.
The aircraft hops and skips on the water, lifts off and stays in ground effect until the last possible moment. The pilot pulls up, clearing the trees at the end of the lake by inches. The aircraft climbs out slowly but then shudders, stalls and rolls off into the trees.
Miraculously, both airline executives survive the crash. They pull themselves from the wreckage, brush themselves off and start looking around. One say, “Well, where do you think we are?”
The other says, “It looks like we’re about a half-mile from where we crashed last year.”
-- 1976 hide-and-seek champion.
And.............another:
Two airline executives go on a moose hunting trip. They hire the cheapest bush pilot they can find and he flies them in his ski plane out into the Alaskan wilderness. After landing on a lake and dropping them off with all their gear, he say, “I’ll be back in a week to pick you up – but you can only have one moose between you. The airplane’s not big enough to carry any more than that.” The execs agree and head out as the pilot flies off.
A week later he lands on the lake, pulls up to the shore and sees the execs waiting for him. All their stuff is packed up and two dead moose are lying at their feet. The pilot is furious. He shuts down and jumps out of the plane. “You idiots, I told you one moose. Now we’re going to have to leave the other here to rot. What were you thinking?”
One of the execs replies, “Last year we paid the pilot an extra $500 and he flew us out.”
The pilot is intrigued and starts thinking. “I could really use the extra money, hold on.” He does some performance calculations in the sand and decides, “Okay – I think we can do it”. They load up all their gear, strap one moose to a wing and the other to the opposite wing. The pilot fires up the plane and they start the takeoff run.
The aircraft hops and skips on the water, lifts off and stays in ground effect until the last possible moment. The pilot pulls up, clearing the trees at the end of the lake by inches. The aircraft climbs out slowly but then shudders, stalls and rolls off into the trees.
Miraculously, both airline executives survive the crash. They pull themselves from the wreckage, brush themselves off and start looking around. One say, “Well, where do you think we are?”
The other says, “It looks like we’re about a half-mile from where we crashed last year.”
02-12-2010, 12:40 PM
#12
Gets Weekends Off
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Mar 2008
Position: Putting them back in their place!!!
Posts: 158
I heard a very similar joke like that one it goes like this: A pilot is on a date with a girl. At the end of the date the pilot finally says, "A lot of people say all pilots ever do is talk about themselves, but I think that's a load of baloney, so what about you, what do you think about me"
It's pretty much the same joke said another way.
02-12-2010, 09:19 PM
#14
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Jul 2007
Position: 767 Captain
Posts: 3,989
Two buddies are well into a night of drinking and start getting pretty sloppy. They get deep into some philosophical discussions in between bouts of telling each other what a great guy the other one is. Finally the subject turns to sex and their wives. One guy says, “I gotta scenario for ya….. You just finished having sex………. Do you –hic!- talk to your wife afterwards?”
“That depends”, says the other…… “Am I near a phone?”
“That depends”, says the other…… “Am I near a phone?”
02-17-2010, 01:46 AM
#16
Che Guevara
Joined APC: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,408
What do FOs and Jesus have in common? They both sit at the right hand of God.
Q:What's the difference between FOs and Captains?
A:Captains matter.
An old freight pilot is sitting in his DC3 with his new young navigator. Wanting to let him know who's boss the pilot pulls out a colt .45 revolver and sits it on the dash. The navigator looks over and says "What's that for?" to which the pilot responds "that's for you. If you get us lost I swear I'll shoot you where you sit"!!! The navigator sat for a second then reached into his chart case and pulled out .357 mag revolver and sat it on the dash. The pilot looked him in the eye and asked "And what's that for?" to which the navigator responded "I'll know we're lost before you will".
Q:What's the difference between FOs and Captains?
A:Captains matter.
An old freight pilot is sitting in his DC3 with his new young navigator. Wanting to let him know who's boss the pilot pulls out a colt .45 revolver and sits it on the dash. The navigator looks over and says "What's that for?" to which the pilot responds "that's for you. If you get us lost I swear I'll shoot you where you sit"!!! The navigator sat for a second then reached into his chart case and pulled out .357 mag revolver and sat it on the dash. The pilot looked him in the eye and asked "And what's that for?" to which the navigator responded "I'll know we're lost before you will".
02-17-2010, 07:48 PM
#17
Gets Weekends Off
Thread Starter
Joined APC: Mar 2008
Position: Putting them back in their place!!!
Posts: 158
You're not a drunk if you're still in college; however if you graduate and become a pilot, you're still not a drunk. You're just like any other normal pilot trying to get through the day.
Next round is on me!
One time at an interview, the chief pilot asked me what would I do if I saw him come in to work drunk and try to take a plane up with passengers. The correct answer was to tell him he looks sick and that he should go home, so that he would have a way out and so would the company.
Next round is on me!
One time at an interview, the chief pilot asked me what would I do if I saw him come in to work drunk and try to take a plane up with passengers. The correct answer was to tell him he looks sick and that he should go home, so that he would have a way out and so would the company.
02-23-2010, 12:09 AM
#18
APC co-founder
Joined APC: Feb 2005
Position: B777
Posts: 5,853
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks what he'll have and the guy orders a scotch. The bartender delivers the drinks and says: "That will be 10 cents." The guy finishes the drink and orders another and the bartender again says: "That will be 10 cents." This sparks the guy's curiosity, so he asks the bartender: "How can you afford to serve drinks for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies: "I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
The guy sees two guys at the end of the bar eating free peanuts and who haven't ordered anything and asks the bartender: "What's with them?" The bartender responds: "Oh, them, they're pilots. They're waiting for Happy Hour."
The bartender replies: "I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
The guy sees two guys at the end of the bar eating free peanuts and who haven't ordered anything and asks the bartender: "What's with them?" The bartender responds: "Oh, them, they're pilots. They're waiting for Happy Hour."
02-23-2010, 03:53 AM
#19
Weekends off? HA!
Joined APC: May 2006
Posts: 991
The Telephone rings
An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2 The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
6. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing and moaning.
An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2 The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
6. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing and moaning.
02-23-2010, 09:19 AM
#20
Banned
Joined APC: Jan 2006
Position: A-320
Posts: 6,929
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-powered vibrator! Hard, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly "I'll explain the toy. You explain the kids."
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