SkyHigh

I have written before on my concerns about the future of my parents and a also for my in laws. Over the holidays my in laws filled in the details of how fragile their financial situation is. They are only one slip or fall away from being in immediate financial distress. It has been implied by the rest of the family that it will be in my lap if (or when) hardship comes to pass.

Over the holiday it seemed as though my in laws were saying "don't have anymore children because we will need that extra room soon". One of my biggest reasons for wanting to be a big time major airline pilot was so that I could afford to help others. My complication is that both my parents and in laws have made reckless decisions in their lives and have foolishly destroyed their financial security. Helping those who have had bad luck is one thing. Paying for the irresponsibility of others is a different matter.

I watched as my own mother impulsively took on a string of ruined relatives until it financially ruined my parents as well. My wife is much younger than I and her parents are barely past 60. They could have 30 years of life ahead of them. It is a massive undertaking to consider anything beyond merely sending some money each month. Besides that I have been resisting my own parents for years now. If I got into a situation of helping my in-laws then they would be on my door step the next day.

My brother is in a similar situation. Not only does he share concerns about our mutual parents but his in-laws are one more cancer diagnosis away from being destitute as well. How can we support our families and insure our own retirement security while paying for the sins of the previous generation? My obligation to our children is to not be lead into the same situation as my parents. My brothers plan is that when the end comes we should sell our homes, change our names and reconstitute ourselves in another part of the country as a new family. He is joking of course but I have no better ideas.

Currently if things unfold as it seems I will be forced to turn them away. I don't know what else to do.

Skyhigh

rickair7777

Tough situation, but you can only do what you can do, and the history helps determine how far you are willing to go.

If they are only 60, sounds like they need to get jobs at least to age 75. If they didn't plan for a retirement they won't be getting one.

Easy for me to say but I would be inclined to set conditions on my assistance...ie they have to hold jobs and live responsibly. I might help with their rent but would probably not have them move in...that would end most marriages, effectively if not formally.

SkyHigh

Fortunately my wife is on board with my opinion of the situation. It is difficult and sad to face.

My thinking is to resist the tide and force others in the family to stand up and offer their assistance. Everyone just assumes that we will fall on that grenade since we are already in the family way by caring for our five children.

Expectations need to be adjusted.

Skyhigh

usmc-sgt

I am in the same boat (although I am only 28).

My stepmother (mother) does not have two pennies to rub together on mostly her own accord.

My father has a little more than nothing although he does own a good business and I feel will be able to fend for himself.

With the stepmother I see the perfect storm brewing in ten or so years.

Cargo Man

This might be a good read.Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (0025986247454): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

dhc8fo

Buy both sets this book:
The Total Money Makeover

Make them work their own way out. Seems mean, but it works. I got it for my brothers who had nothing and they are well on their way to leaving my parents alone now. I just gave it to my parents too. I am on the program and will be debt free by December of this year.

Good luck. I don't envy you. Hang in there. I think you are wise.


Dave Ramsey Homepage - daveramsey.com

MrWalk

Yeah, the situation definitely sucks. At 72, my mom has been on the edge since my dad died a few years back, leaving practically nothing behind but issues. He had squandered their pensions, savings, and anything else of value on bad real estate deals and poor business decisions. Now, she is living hand to mouth, working a regular job, and right on the edge.

I do what I can, like you, but I look at it this way: I have kids that depend on me for financial security now and as a model to follow as adults. They are my first priority and I could not "rob" them in order to take responsibility for the mistakes my dad made and my mom "allowed".

Cubdriver

I know you are not a big college enthusiast Sky, but you have GOT to save some money to get your offspring through at least a year or two of college or trade school even if only at a state level. I put myself through college without parental help beyond about 15% and even that amount made a big difference in motivation knowing they wanted me to do it. Your kids are more important than your parents or inlaws, although it is awful having to turn them away in their time of need. Let their situation serve as a lesson to your boys when they are old enough to appreciate that not being financially responsible leads to unnecessary hardship later on.

peteq

If your parents live in a home that's paid for, think about a reverse mortgage.

My mom did that and ended up with a bunch of cash that supported her really well. Here in So Cal, houses still have a lot of value.

Anyway, when she died I ended up with a nice payout from her home that I wasn't counting on at all.

It worked out good.

themctm

I feel very lucky as my parents are way more successful that I can ever hope to be as a cargo pilot.
But a few years ago I fell on hard times and had to ask my parents for help. My father agreed but he set boundaries. In exchange for his money I had to submit a monthly budget. No more Netflix, no more eating out, no booze...

If your parents/in-laws end up needing your money to get by then they should justify to you their costs. Demand a budget to see where the problem is.