Destitute Parents
01-30-2010, 10:25 PM
#41
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Generational Issue
In the past the children would move in with the parents to help work the farm and eventually take over. The children got the benefit of a home and ready made business to take over and the parents got in home help.
The generation of elderly prior to my parents saved their money and had assets when they reached their golden years. My parents age group seems to have uniformly burned the candle at both ends with no regard for the future.
Members of the greatest generation had paid off homes and money in the bank. Their assets are being fought over by the financially destroyed offspring of the boomer generation who are facing retirement with nothing.
Skyhigh
The generation of elderly prior to my parents saved their money and had assets when they reached their golden years. My parents age group seems to have uniformly burned the candle at both ends with no regard for the future.
Members of the greatest generation had paid off homes and money in the bank. Their assets are being fought over by the financially destroyed offspring of the boomer generation who are facing retirement with nothing.
Skyhigh
01-30-2010, 10:36 PM
#42
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Joined APC: May 2005
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Posts: 7,119
Ashamed
Should your children expect an inheritance from you?
It's clear where your priorities lie -- money is more important than family.
My goal is to leave my children an inheritance far, far more valuable than money. If they have all the physical comforts of life and a large balance in the bank, but they turn their backs on friends or family in need, I will have failed miserably.
And I would be ashamed.
.
It's clear where your priorities lie -- money is more important than family.
My goal is to leave my children an inheritance far, far more valuable than money. If they have all the physical comforts of life and a large balance in the bank, but they turn their backs on friends or family in need, I will have failed miserably.
And I would be ashamed.
.
Money is very important. I do not intend to place my kids in the same situation when I get older. As a child my parents brought in several elderly relatives and it greatly contributed to their destruction. Caring for the elderly is a big deal not to be taken lightly.
Elderly parents can be more costly and a longer responsibility than children. We become parents when we are young. As kids grow they become more independent and after 18 years or so they are gone. Elderly parents could live for 20 to 30 years and need increasing care and expense as they get older. In my case we could have as many as four to take care of. It is an unfair and unrealistic burden.
In my experience a poor relative is passed around like a bad penny but a rich one is fought over. My childhood with poor elderly relatives in my home was not pretty. I could not have friends over. My time after school was spent driving people to doctors appointments. If anything it taught me not to make the same mistakes. Money means options.
I am guessing by your responses that you might be seeing this issue from the other side and it must be heavy on your mind as well. Don't try and use your kids as a retirement plan. Save your money.
Skyhigh
Last edited by SkyHigh; 01-30-2010 at 10:50 PM.
01-30-2010, 11:34 PM
#43
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Are you telling me now to not use my kids as a retirement plan? Where do you get the idea I am, or would? I've suggested nothing of the sort. Don't try to put your regrets off on me. Maybe you're feeling badly because you don't think you can handle them being in your home -- that's fine. It's another story if you are capable of helping and you are nevertheless turning them away because you're chosing to save your money for later. Your parents brought you into this world and provided for you when you couldn't provide for yourself. You have an obligation to do whatever you can to help them when they can't help themselves.
Plain and simple.
.
01-31-2010, 03:32 AM
#44
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01-31-2010, 04:07 AM
#45
Retired
Joined APC: Feb 2008
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Interesting thread and I can understand the dilemma that some face in regards to parents who have little or nothing to show after working most of their lives .
I beleive that we do have an obligation to our parents and that would be a moral obligation to take care of those who in the early part of our lives raised us and did the best they could with what they had.
Fred and I are in a position where we have to help both his parents and mine and at times it has proven difficult due to the fact that one of Freds parents live in a home where they take care of people who have disabilities and my parents who live in Russia .
It can be taxing but we do what we have to in order to make their lives just a little bit more comfortable.
Ally
I beleive that we do have an obligation to our parents and that would be a moral obligation to take care of those who in the early part of our lives raised us and did the best they could with what they had.
Fred and I are in a position where we have to help both his parents and mine and at times it has proven difficult due to the fact that one of Freds parents live in a home where they take care of people who have disabilities and my parents who live in Russia .
It can be taxing but we do what we have to in order to make their lives just a little bit more comfortable.
Ally
01-31-2010, 09:02 AM
#46
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If I had the resources.
If you recall from my earliest post on this matter that one of the issues I have is that both my parents and in laws are intentionally squandering what resources they have left. My mother has taken in a string of poor relatives and after a lifetime of poor decision making my in laws are blowing whatever security they have left by flying to India several times a year to support an orphanage.
I suppose that they are assuming that their children will be just as benevolent on return when it is their turn to need help. I take after my grandparents generation. They grew up in the great depression and took care of themselves first. They did not expect the government or other family members do anything in their regards.
When my grandfather found out that he had cancer he enjoyed a few family events, said his goodbyes and when he started to feel sick he tastefully took his own life. He had money, but choose to end his life while he could rather than put the financial burden onto his wife and autistic son who would need those resources to live after his parents were gone. He spared them the hardship. I do not think that children are obligated at all to their parents. They made the choice to bring us into the world. Responsibility flows down stream. We are responsible to our children first. There is no blanket obligation to have to clean up whatever mess our parents make.
I have tried to make my position known. It would be easier if they would at least try to make an attempt at taking care of themselves. I feel a responsibility to them but not to support their philanthropy. I might throw them a few bucks now and then but they are going to need a fortune to survive to a standard that meets with their comfort needs. I am not going to provide that and they are not going to move into my house.
Skyhigh
I suppose that they are assuming that their children will be just as benevolent on return when it is their turn to need help. I take after my grandparents generation. They grew up in the great depression and took care of themselves first. They did not expect the government or other family members do anything in their regards.
When my grandfather found out that he had cancer he enjoyed a few family events, said his goodbyes and when he started to feel sick he tastefully took his own life. He had money, but choose to end his life while he could rather than put the financial burden onto his wife and autistic son who would need those resources to live after his parents were gone. He spared them the hardship. I do not think that children are obligated at all to their parents. They made the choice to bring us into the world. Responsibility flows down stream. We are responsible to our children first. There is no blanket obligation to have to clean up whatever mess our parents make.
I have tried to make my position known. It would be easier if they would at least try to make an attempt at taking care of themselves. I feel a responsibility to them but not to support their philanthropy. I might throw them a few bucks now and then but they are going to need a fortune to survive to a standard that meets with their comfort needs. I am not going to provide that and they are not going to move into my house.
Skyhigh
01-31-2010, 11:07 AM
#47
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SkyHigh, this is a very personal matter between you and your parents. We have already given you our perspective on this and there is no need for you to justify your decisions and actions to us. Our opinions don't mean (and should not mean) much to you.
A man will be judged by how he lived his life, how he brought up his children, how he treated his parents, and how he tried to give something back to society. You are the best person to decide what to do with your parents based on your other obligations and personal wherewithal. I wish you the best and hope you make decisions that will benefit as many people as possible. If you turn out to be wrong, then it only shows you are human. Pick yourself back up again.
It's a little cold here in Seattle today. I'm going to put on my Mom's favorite jacket now. And I'll be visiting her at the cemetery next week to mark the 4th year she would be gone from us. At least she and my father are together forever.
A man will be judged by how he lived his life, how he brought up his children, how he treated his parents, and how he tried to give something back to society. You are the best person to decide what to do with your parents based on your other obligations and personal wherewithal. I wish you the best and hope you make decisions that will benefit as many people as possible. If you turn out to be wrong, then it only shows you are human. Pick yourself back up again.
It's a little cold here in Seattle today. I'm going to put on my Mom's favorite jacket now. And I'll be visiting her at the cemetery next week to mark the 4th year she would be gone from us. At least she and my father are together forever.
01-31-2010, 03:12 PM
#48
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Joined APC: Sep 2007
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Posts: 1,457
If you recall from my earliest post on this matter that one of the issues I have is that both my parents and in laws are intentionally squandering what resources they have left. My mother has taken in a string of poor relatives and after a lifetime of poor decision making my in laws are blowing whatever security they have left by flying to India several times a year to support an orphanage.
I suppose that they are assuming that their children will be just as benevolent on return when it is their turn to need help. I take after my grandparents generation. They grew up in the great depression and took care of themselves first. They did not expect the government or other family members do anything in their regards.
When my grandfather found out that he had cancer he enjoyed a few family events, said his goodbyes and when he started to feel sick he tastefully took his own life. He had money, but choose to end his life while he could rather than put the financial burden onto his wife and autistic son who would need those resources to live after his parents were gone. He spared them the hardship. I do not think that children are obligated at all to their parents. They made the choice to bring us into the world. Responsibility flows down stream. We are responsible to our children first. There is no blanket obligation to have to clean up whatever mess our parents make.
I have tried to make my position known. It would be easier if they would at least try to make an attempt at taking care of themselves. I feel a responsibility to them but not to support their philanthropy. I might throw them a few bucks now and then but they are going to need a fortune to survive to a standard that meets with their comfort needs. I am not going to provide that and they are not going to move into my house.
Skyhigh
I suppose that they are assuming that their children will be just as benevolent on return when it is their turn to need help. I take after my grandparents generation. They grew up in the great depression and took care of themselves first. They did not expect the government or other family members do anything in their regards.
When my grandfather found out that he had cancer he enjoyed a few family events, said his goodbyes and when he started to feel sick he tastefully took his own life. He had money, but choose to end his life while he could rather than put the financial burden onto his wife and autistic son who would need those resources to live after his parents were gone. He spared them the hardship. I do not think that children are obligated at all to their parents. They made the choice to bring us into the world. Responsibility flows down stream. We are responsible to our children first. There is no blanket obligation to have to clean up whatever mess our parents make.
I have tried to make my position known. It would be easier if they would at least try to make an attempt at taking care of themselves. I feel a responsibility to them but not to support their philanthropy. I might throw them a few bucks now and then but they are going to need a fortune to survive to a standard that meets with their comfort needs. I am not going to provide that and they are not going to move into my house.
Skyhigh
01-31-2010, 05:08 PM
#49
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Joined APC: May 2006
Posts: 2,889
Not judging anyone here...just sharing my perspective.
I am an only. My father died in 1999, but my mom is in great health at 68 at comes from a family that routinely lives in their 90s to over 100. I already have a room in mind for her should she need it.
My mother in law is in her mid 60s, and has had weight, heart, and joint issues. My father in law is 80 and has had 2 strokes. If I gotta sell the rental place, or give up the plane...I'll put them in the house.
All these folks busted their ass and have been as hard working and responsiblity and loving as they could have been. I have no "issues" with their life choices, so extending the house to them would be an issue on space but not an issue of the heart. We'll make it work if we must. But I also realize for a kid who was abused, debased, or maltreated such charity might be harder to provide. I'm blessed...if it happens to us we'll make it work.
My goal is to eventually move to a home with a few things my wife and I want in a home, but also have a mother in law suite for such an event. If it isn't needed for our parents, maybe our kids will visit us more if they have their own "wing" when they come by. That's a few years down the road, but at least in our home, its always been one of our long term financial goals.
I dunno guys...I always sort of PLANNED on having a parent with us eventually. I'd be very happy if we were in a position to provide some home care for our parents vice having to put them in an assisted living facility if and when that time comes. That plan takes precedence in our planning over some of the other luxuries.
I am an only. My father died in 1999, but my mom is in great health at 68 at comes from a family that routinely lives in their 90s to over 100. I already have a room in mind for her should she need it.
My mother in law is in her mid 60s, and has had weight, heart, and joint issues. My father in law is 80 and has had 2 strokes. If I gotta sell the rental place, or give up the plane...I'll put them in the house.
All these folks busted their ass and have been as hard working and responsiblity and loving as they could have been. I have no "issues" with their life choices, so extending the house to them would be an issue on space but not an issue of the heart. We'll make it work if we must. But I also realize for a kid who was abused, debased, or maltreated such charity might be harder to provide. I'm blessed...if it happens to us we'll make it work.
My goal is to eventually move to a home with a few things my wife and I want in a home, but also have a mother in law suite for such an event. If it isn't needed for our parents, maybe our kids will visit us more if they have their own "wing" when they come by. That's a few years down the road, but at least in our home, its always been one of our long term financial goals.
I dunno guys...I always sort of PLANNED on having a parent with us eventually. I'd be very happy if we were in a position to provide some home care for our parents vice having to put them in an assisted living facility if and when that time comes. That plan takes precedence in our planning over some of the other luxuries.
01-31-2010, 05:31 PM
#50
Gets Weekends Off
Joined APC: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,948
"...both my parents and in laws are intentionally squandering what resources they have left. My mother has taken in a string of poor relatives and after a lifetime of poor decision making my in laws are blowing whatever security they have left by flying to India several times a year to support an orphanage"
Skyhigh. I would like to warn you that what you say on the Internet never goes away. It's rare, I'd even say unprecedented, at this site, that a user would post such personal comments and wear his personal life on his sleeve as you have. Your children or parents might one day read this. While it's an anonymous site, it's not really that hard to figure out who people are when people post such personal information as you have many times. It might be a smaller world than you think.
I really suggest you think twice what you post here.
Skyhigh. I would like to warn you that what you say on the Internet never goes away. It's rare, I'd even say unprecedented, at this site, that a user would post such personal comments and wear his personal life on his sleeve as you have. Your children or parents might one day read this. While it's an anonymous site, it's not really that hard to figure out who people are when people post such personal information as you have many times. It might be a smaller world than you think.
I really suggest you think twice what you post here.
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