SkyHigh

I have not mentioned it to my wife and have tried not to think about it. I suppose my mother in some way could have been trying to be helpful. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Skyhigh

TonyC

SkyHigh,

Why the quotation marks?






.

vagabond

Because using a soft hyphen like in ungrateful-son would be grammatically incorrect and much too anal-retentive.

Seriously, I wanted to add to my earlier post since I hit submit-reply before I really wanted to in order to make a vanilla-latte for a customer.

As USMCFLYR pointed out, I am not from here and am only a naturalized citizen. I was brought up to care for family, friends and people in general. We only have one life to live and I intend to live it honorably and responsibly. We also only have one set of parents, and when they are gone, they are gone. When my father and mother were alive, I spent as much time as I could with them even after moving out to my own apartment, moving to another state for graduate school, getting married, moving to yet another state for law school. I cherish those times I had with them. If I had known they would be gone when they did, I would have spent even more time and made the most out of every minute.

They were not perfect people, but they were my parents and all I had. They brought me into this world and taught me values and how to learn from my mistakes. I would not want to be their biggest mistake by turning them away when they need me the most.

I treated my in-laws the same way. And these were the same in-laws who thought I married their son because I was supposedly a gold-digger. I know that my father-in-law was very appreciative that I made a solo trip to the Midwest take care of him when he got sick. He died about 8 months after that and I am glad I did what I did for him when I did.

So I guess it is a matter of values, how you were brought up and all that. I choose to make room, literally and figuratively.

kalyx522

That is funny that we look at those two things in opposite ways. In my case, I am hoping that my mom WILL one day move in and help me raise my future kid(s) because I don't want to quit my career completely when I start a family. I would trust my own mom over a stranger when it comes to raising my kids. If your wife is of the same thought as me (wanting to continue a career), then it would be a godsend to have a mother who is already willing to help out because my own mom thinks it will be akin to free babysitting/slavery (lol, but sorta true..) But it seems like in your case your wife quit working not because she HAS to raise the kids but because she WANTS to be there fulltime for them. I don't know your mother, but like johnnyprop said, maybe she was trying to be helpful and you misunderstood? I can totally see how each other's intentions can be misunderstood in a situation like this.

scambo1

This is a tough situation and one I wrestle with daily. My folks inadequately prepared for retirement. My father expected to die young like his father and was probably 50+ when he began preparing for retirement. They lived the life they wanted to live during the working years and we were really not the closest family.

I did not learn a lot of the important lessons from my parents, I learned them myself after leaving home. My parents continue to be somewhat irresponsible in their lifes.

When they finally retired, the moved to FL into a place where they owned the house, but had to pay monthly maintenance fees. Those fees started at $300/mo when they arrived, but over time had increased to $550/mo. This was not something they had budgeted for and the fees were in danger of increasing to the point where they could exceed what they were able to pay or budget for.

My solution was to move them up BY me. I bought a house and remodeled/updated it for them and moved them in. I am the owner of the house. They do not pay me rent, but they do take care of their utilities and they pay the insurance and taxes in lieu of rent.

I have discussed with them the status of their living will, their will, and other topics related to elder care and the end of life. It was an uncomfortable discussion to begin, but it was good to shed light on it.

During that conversation I made it clear - I am not sure they were listening - that I have done my part. If they have any other financial or care needs, they need to ask one of my 6 siblings. To be blunt, I am not the kind of person that can wipe butts.

Our relationship has improved since they have moved here and they are willingly involved in my sons life. I do not trust them to raise him, but am grateful for their presence and willingness to attend all of his events. There is still some strain and in most ways, we are polar opposite personalities.

My family (wife and son) definitely come first. Financially I am not willing to do more on an ongoing basis. They did bring me into this world, but as I alluded to earlier, that was about where there involvement and upbringing ended. We were not a close family.

I can pay their house off today. That will put it right at 2 years since we have gone down this road. I know this is not about me, but thought I would share my reponse to a similar situation.

In the end it is about setting and maintaining the right boundaries for you. If the boundary is breached, your only response is a gentle but firm NO! It is the only way you can help them and do all the important things to help your own immediate family.

I have been somewhat surprised by the entitlement mentality of my parents and without the boundaries already in place, would not have known how to react.

Best wishes with your struggle.
Scambo

Cubdriver

I like your attitude about your parents, Vagabond. As an only child and someone who never married or bore children, both my parents are very special to me and I keep in close touch with them to this day. I include them in my petty affairs and they know just about everything I am thinking. They are both very self-sustaining and responsible with their money, so the conundrum Sky has in taking care of parents financially beyond his means is not one life will ever visit upon me. SkyHigh on the other hand has about 5 kids who he simply must provide for and give a good start. If a ship is sinking, the first to go on the lifeboat are the children, as they have the most to lose. Then the weak, then the strong. I think SkyHigh should think about it like that.

Kilgore Trout

Interesting thread.
Lots of thoughtful responses to Sky's concerns. Nice to see on this sometimes overheated website.

Best wishes to you and your family Sky.

SkyHigh

My in laws are barely over 60. Both have excellent longevity in their families. I think it is important to consider that they could live for 30 years more. Once someone shows up at your house for even one night it can be very difficult to find a new place for them.

I grew up in a household with aging relatives and it was no fun. I know what all that entails and am not interested in putting my kids through that. There are others in the family who are also of an age to help but they too have lived reckless lives and are not able to help.

It would be an unfair burden to place on us. I don't really know what the answer is and greatly appreciate everyone's input. It is a difficult thing to think about.

Skyhigh

SkyHigh

I guess that others might consider me as "ungrateful" if I turned my parents away.

I think it is much cheaper and easier to care for children then for aging adults. Children are smaller and easier to move around, gain mobility as they age, usually have less expensive health care needs and eventually after 18 years or so move out. Parents are costly, difficult and might be there for decades of slow decay.

In my estimation caring for parents is a much larger undertaking.

Skyhigh

USMCFLYR

I consider as parents immediate family. I hope that others don't find themselves in a similar situation someday in the future. The whole 'Do unto others' type of mentality. The problem that I see in some of these posts is the situation where ONE sibling seems to be taking on the disproportional job of caring for the parents. That ought to be where the discussion centers; not IF siblings are going to take care of their parents.

USMCFLYR