Parents and In-laws
12-30-2008, 07:08 AM
#1
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Joined APC: May 2005
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Parents and In-laws
My Parents and In-laws are in their early 60s and spending money like there is no tomorrow. Neither of them has a very solid retirement plan. My parents did have a good plan however in her 50's my mother began to take in dead beat relatives and basically has blown my parents security on trying to help them.
My In-laws have joined an international group to help orphanages in India. They fly there several times a year and are blowing their money on this calling that they have. A few years ago they fell into this group of wealthy philanthropists and are trying to keep up however my in-laws are not wealthy.
I can tell that both sets of parents are beginning to reach their financial end. The women still work however each is only one fall or medical event away from not being able to work anymore. The men have a collection of various ailments that prevent them from working much at all.
Outwardly their efforts are to be commended however few others stop to consider what is going to happen to them in old age. They have little to fall back on and I am personally sure that a day will come when I find them on my door step with suitcases in hand.
I have tried to politely suggest that they pull back and consider their future however it falls on deaf ears. It seems irresponsible to me of them to put themselves into this position. My parents and In-laws must think that I will come in and save the day however I have a lot of young children to think about. I do not need four more old demanding ones.
When the time comes my plan is to turn them away. It is a harsh thing to do however my first responsibility is to my children. Both my parents and In-laws have lead fairly irresponsible lives as of late. I can not afford to let their lack of planning threaten the peace, security and quality of our lives. I would not be surprised if subconsciously they are looking for an excuse to crash into our lives so that they can forget their worries play with grandchildren all day and let me and my wife pay for everything.
The issue that I keep thinking about is if I should clearly warn them of my intent or not? I have tried to subtly warn them however they just are not getting it. Do I have a responsibility to step in and intervene on their own behalf? Should I chase away all the relatives and shatter their ill considered dreams of helping others? I don't know what to do.
SkyHigh
My In-laws have joined an international group to help orphanages in India. They fly there several times a year and are blowing their money on this calling that they have. A few years ago they fell into this group of wealthy philanthropists and are trying to keep up however my in-laws are not wealthy.
I can tell that both sets of parents are beginning to reach their financial end. The women still work however each is only one fall or medical event away from not being able to work anymore. The men have a collection of various ailments that prevent them from working much at all.
Outwardly their efforts are to be commended however few others stop to consider what is going to happen to them in old age. They have little to fall back on and I am personally sure that a day will come when I find them on my door step with suitcases in hand.
I have tried to politely suggest that they pull back and consider their future however it falls on deaf ears. It seems irresponsible to me of them to put themselves into this position. My parents and In-laws must think that I will come in and save the day however I have a lot of young children to think about. I do not need four more old demanding ones.
When the time comes my plan is to turn them away. It is a harsh thing to do however my first responsibility is to my children. Both my parents and In-laws have lead fairly irresponsible lives as of late. I can not afford to let their lack of planning threaten the peace, security and quality of our lives. I would not be surprised if subconsciously they are looking for an excuse to crash into our lives so that they can forget their worries play with grandchildren all day and let me and my wife pay for everything.
The issue that I keep thinking about is if I should clearly warn them of my intent or not? I have tried to subtly warn them however they just are not getting it. Do I have a responsibility to step in and intervene on their own behalf? Should I chase away all the relatives and shatter their ill considered dreams of helping others? I don't know what to do.
SkyHigh
12-30-2008, 07:20 AM
#2
Administrator
Joined APC: May 2006
Position: C-172
Posts: 8,024
Now I am beginning to sound like a broken record. First of all, you should be thankful you still have both parents and both in-laws. My father died of a rare kind of lymphoma where they didn't even have a name for it until long after the funeral. My mother died of an accidental drowning; I was the one who found her. My mother-in-law was sitting in her living room reading when she was suddenly seized by a heart attack and died. My father-in-law hung in there for as long as he could until his hearty Kansas genes couldn't fight back anymore.
I wish any or all of them would crash in my house, eat my food, use my hot water to shower.
These are your family and it all depends on your feelings about them. If you can sleep at night knowing you've thrown them out on the street, then do it. Certainly let them know now that you don't intend to help them. Show them how serious you are by excluding them in your will. Once they run out of money and getting cold and hungry, they'll figure something out for themselves. Nobody is that stupid.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the way I approach all my clients and their myriad problems. Perspective. That's all I'm saying.
I wish any or all of them would crash in my house, eat my food, use my hot water to shower.
These are your family and it all depends on your feelings about them. If you can sleep at night knowing you've thrown them out on the street, then do it. Certainly let them know now that you don't intend to help them. Show them how serious you are by excluding them in your will. Once they run out of money and getting cold and hungry, they'll figure something out for themselves. Nobody is that stupid.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the way I approach all my clients and their myriad problems. Perspective. That's all I'm saying.
12-30-2008, 08:27 AM
#3
Prime Minister/Moderator
Joined APC: Jan 2006
Position: Engines Turn Or People Swim
Posts: 40,391
Wow, talk about a rock and a hard place. You guys sure make me feel lucky...two healthy, responsible parents (although we had a close call this year).
I have a couple of friends whose boomer parents are in the same boat. Most of them never even had the kind of long-term, big-company job which offered a pension in the first place...it's not like they can blame it on greedy CEO's stealing their pension.
Maybe you had better sit down and talk to them, make sure you understand their intentions? And drop a few hints of your own while you're at it. It's possible they have resources you don't know about.
One friend of mine solved this dilemma by purchasing a fourplex low income rental. Both of her parents (divorced) needed a place to live, so she put them up in adjacent units, and rented the other two. Kind of payback for her split-family childhood
But definitely clear the air asap...maybe the Rents need to tighten up the budget now and just don't realize it.
I have a couple of friends whose boomer parents are in the same boat. Most of them never even had the kind of long-term, big-company job which offered a pension in the first place...it's not like they can blame it on greedy CEO's stealing their pension.
Maybe you had better sit down and talk to them, make sure you understand their intentions? And drop a few hints of your own while you're at it. It's possible they have resources you don't know about.
One friend of mine solved this dilemma by purchasing a fourplex low income rental. Both of her parents (divorced) needed a place to live, so she put them up in adjacent units, and rented the other two. Kind of payback for her split-family childhood
But definitely clear the air asap...maybe the Rents need to tighten up the budget now and just don't realize it.
12-30-2008, 08:29 AM
#4
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Joined APC: May 2005
Position: Corporate Pilot
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Lawyers
Attorneys give good advise. It usually isn't what you want to hear but is always on the mark. I am thankful to have my parents and in-laws but am angry with them at the same time. Parents are supposed to be helpful and wise. Over the holidays my wife and I had to financially help my in laws to afford their trip to see us since they spent all their money on a trip to India next month.
My mother has been hinting that she wants to move to the town where my family and I live. I told her that she had to leave her collection of relatives behind, so she chose to stay put. My hope is that when the chips are down they can create some other options for themselves. We have already told them that they are not in our will.
My brother also has a set of in-laws that are in a similar state. His plan is that we both change our names and reorganize in a new town under a new family name. He is only joking of course but his wife is not. These are some harsh lines of thinking but if we were to fulfill all of our collective parents wishes then we would be financially destroyed or burdened with a financial obligation that could put our own futures at risk.
My first choice would be to be able to support them to a level that insures their comfort however I can not accept that responsibility. The best option would be for them to make some responsible choices and strive to save themselves. I am not going to pay for their philanthropy.
Skyhigh
My mother has been hinting that she wants to move to the town where my family and I live. I told her that she had to leave her collection of relatives behind, so she chose to stay put. My hope is that when the chips are down they can create some other options for themselves. We have already told them that they are not in our will.
My brother also has a set of in-laws that are in a similar state. His plan is that we both change our names and reorganize in a new town under a new family name. He is only joking of course but his wife is not. These are some harsh lines of thinking but if we were to fulfill all of our collective parents wishes then we would be financially destroyed or burdened with a financial obligation that could put our own futures at risk.
My first choice would be to be able to support them to a level that insures their comfort however I can not accept that responsibility. The best option would be for them to make some responsible choices and strive to save themselves. I am not going to pay for their philanthropy.
Skyhigh
12-30-2008, 08:47 AM
#5
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Denial
It seems like my boomer generation parents and in-laws are living in a state of denial. None of them want to acknowledge the situation that they are in and are confidently driving themselves off a cliff. It is like they expect the world to jump in and save them once they are finished trashing their own security.
I just can not understand it. Perhaps people in that generation expected to be taken care of by the government, corporate America, inheritance and by their children. I have always known that my future financial security is in my own hands. There is no inheritance coming and social security will not be there for me.
I can not allow their poor choices to prevent my wife and I from fulfilling our responsibilities to our children and selves.
Skyhigh
I just can not understand it. Perhaps people in that generation expected to be taken care of by the government, corporate America, inheritance and by their children. I have always known that my future financial security is in my own hands. There is no inheritance coming and social security will not be there for me.
I can not allow their poor choices to prevent my wife and I from fulfilling our responsibilities to our children and selves.
Skyhigh
12-30-2008, 09:00 AM
#7
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Sky -
Enough of this hinting and innuendos - - lay it out to them!
If these are your feelings then they have a right and you haave the responsibility of letting them know your intentions and they need to know in no uncertain terms your feelings. Subtle hints can be misinterpeted.
USMCFLYR
Enough of this hinting and innuendos - - lay it out to them!
If these are your feelings then they have a right and you haave the responsibility of letting them know your intentions and they need to know in no uncertain terms your feelings. Subtle hints can be misinterpeted.
USMCFLYR
12-30-2008, 09:03 AM
#8
Prime Minister/Moderator
Joined APC: Jan 2006
Position: Engines Turn Or People Swim
Posts: 40,391
It seems like my boomer generation parents and in-laws are living in a state of denial. None of them want to acknowledge the situation that they are in and are confidently driving themselves off a cliff. It is like they expect the world to jump in and save them once they are finished trashing their own security.
I just can not understand it. Perhaps people in that generation expected to be taken care of by the government, corporate America, inheritance and by their children.
I just can not understand it. Perhaps people in that generation expected to be taken care of by the government, corporate America, inheritance and by their children.
My folks are old enough to remember the great depression and that certainly set the tone for their financial outlook. Us X-ers grew up in the economic gloom of the 80's and early nineties.
12-30-2008, 09:19 AM
#9
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Posts: 1,338
Join the Club
I am going thru this with my in-laws.....they have always lived a meager existence.
About three years ago, my mother-in-law inherited about 200K from her estranged father. I began to quit stressing for a short while, thinking that perhaps if invested properly they would be ok for a while. Offered to introduce them to my money manager, and was going to pay the management fees on the sly.
Problem was, that in-laws thought that 200K made them rich. They bought a well-built, modest house in a nice neighborhood (good decision), then bought brother-in-law his own house (needs an incredible amount of work, which he won't do). He agreed to make payments to his parents ---but is not. Then they bought three of my wife's siblings cars and continue to pay for their insurance........(with no UIM coverage)....
Poof...200K gone. 7 months.
Brother-in-law (32) gets in an accident with UIM, and gets almost nothing. Can't work, In-laws pay for him, his four kids, one grandchild. (Yes I said grandchild....at 32)
24 year old sister-in-law with 7 year old daughter lives with them. Sis-in-law, works only sporadically.
Father-in-law retired early from work (good thing), but for some reason, Mom-in-law is not eligible for medicare yet.....uhhhhhh,,,of course no medical insurance.
Funny thing is, they got more out of the 200k, than the 300K I lost in the market this year................what a 8itch!
Maybe I'll surf this site the next time we are visting and let them read over my shoulder.....after deleting this post of course.
About three years ago, my mother-in-law inherited about 200K from her estranged father. I began to quit stressing for a short while, thinking that perhaps if invested properly they would be ok for a while. Offered to introduce them to my money manager, and was going to pay the management fees on the sly.
Problem was, that in-laws thought that 200K made them rich. They bought a well-built, modest house in a nice neighborhood (good decision), then bought brother-in-law his own house (needs an incredible amount of work, which he won't do). He agreed to make payments to his parents ---but is not. Then they bought three of my wife's siblings cars and continue to pay for their insurance........(with no UIM coverage)....
Poof...200K gone. 7 months.
Brother-in-law (32) gets in an accident with UIM, and gets almost nothing. Can't work, In-laws pay for him, his four kids, one grandchild. (Yes I said grandchild....at 32)
24 year old sister-in-law with 7 year old daughter lives with them. Sis-in-law, works only sporadically.
Father-in-law retired early from work (good thing), but for some reason, Mom-in-law is not eligible for medicare yet.....uhhhhhh,,,of course no medical insurance.
Funny thing is, they got more out of the 200k, than the 300K I lost in the market this year................what a 8itch!
Maybe I'll surf this site the next time we are visting and let them read over my shoulder.....after deleting this post of course.
12-30-2008, 09:27 AM
#10
Self Employed.
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Joined APC: May 2005
Position: Corporate Pilot
Posts: 7,119
Bad Guy
Sky -
Enough of this hinting and innuendos - - lay it out to them!
If these are your feelings then they have a right and you haave the responsibility of letting them know your intentions and they need to know in no uncertain terms your feelings. Subtle hints can be misinterpeted.
USMCFLYR
Enough of this hinting and innuendos - - lay it out to them!
If these are your feelings then they have a right and you haave the responsibility of letting them know your intentions and they need to know in no uncertain terms your feelings. Subtle hints can be misinterpeted.
USMCFLYR
She began to responsibly shed relatives and last summer one of them committed suicide. She feels guilty and thinks it was her fault. Now she can not seem to finish the job. Currently she has a young great niece that is living in her house as a foster kid. She is a teenager now and is getting into real trouble. My mother is too old to be fist fighting a troubled teen in the kitchen, however she can not pull the trigger because she feels responsible for her nieces future. In the mean time my parents are going broke trying to keep up with their physiologically troubled niece and in supporting the rest of them.
My in-laws are in a similar situation with the orphanage. Since they have started to help the orphanage has begun to depend upon their support. They are trying to find outside help but there are thousands of needy organizations in the world. Every time they go back to India they return even more determined to help. Their plan seems to be to continue financially bleeding themselves out until something happens. If they were to suspend their activities in India I am sure that they will be haunted by images of starving children.
I do admire their collective sacrifices however they do not see themselves as being in the same boat when in actuality they are. Perhaps that is the reason that they feel so compelled to help? In any case it seems like it will be left to me to do the dirty work. If I was the reason that they had to stop their help then they could live with themselves. In any case it is difficult to know what to do.
Skyhigh
