Photon

yea, I wonder why the area north of daytona isn't an alert area yet. So many trainers flying around there every day, almost everyone I know has had a near miss ;s

POPA

Coming into IND late last night (or early this morning, depending on how you look at it).
Me: Cross SCARF at 250 knots, CHQ####. Any chance of normal speed between here and there?
ATC: The best I can do is 300. IND wants 15 miles-in-trail.
Me: Any idea why?
ATC: They might be expecting a backup tonight.

A backup at IND necessitating 15 MIT? That's funny! Or at least, it would have been if it wasn't the go-home leg.

BoilerUP

How early? Might it have been close to the FDX inbound bank?

POPA

Right smack in the middle of the inbound bank. We got screwed with off-course vectors and speed reductions just like we always do when Purple is around.

ERAUdude

Sometime last year while I was observing a flight. Tower was closed.

Riddle XX (172): Prescott traffic, Riddle XX going around due to traffic on the runway.
Other Riddle XX (PA44): Maybe you shouldn't make your patterns so narrow.

The first Riddle aircraft seriously called abeam the tower on downwind which is about 75% down PRC's runway 21L. The "Other Riddle XX" was on about a mile final. Not the funniest, but I got a chuckle out of it because it was one of my old instructors in the "Other."

Maddog1974

I know some of these are repeats but I would like to think they flow a little better.
----
While taxiing at LaGuardia the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
----
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
----
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
----
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
----
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I wa! s f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
----
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
----
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
----
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."! United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
----
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
----
Lots of commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots, passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and angry.
ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."
Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullsh*t!"
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft using 'bull****' in last transmission, identify yourself. American 411, was that you?"
American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bull****,' sir."
NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bull****.'"
Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bull****.'"
NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bull****.'"
. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.

Photon

Well I don't remember the exact wording, but I can paraphrase it:

(Daytona is vectoring some guy to the airport, in nice CAVOK weather)


Daytona approach: "Skyhawk xxx, you're not from around here are you?"

Skyhawk xxx: "how do you mean"

Daytona approach: "since you can't locate the airport"

Skyhawk xx: "I will have you know, I've been flying airplanes for 40 years, including military airplanes. The reason I can't find the airport is because of this haze (there was no haze )

Daytona approach: "Ok sir, that's understandable"

At this point me and my instructor was laughing our ass of. "I had the moon in my eyes!" etc, ;p. Maybe you had to be there, I don't know

cessna157

Must've been a purple haze

cessna157

Kinda funny, kinda not, depends on how you look at it.
After landing on RWY 32 at KOSU, tower cleared me to "Taxi to the ramp, you can just stay with me." Keep in mind, the controller was a good friend of mine. The taxi route required me to cross RWY 27L, which is the main runway at KOSU. But due to winds, most traffic was using 32. Another aircraft was cleared to follow me into RWY32 and cleared to land. As I was taxiing back to the ramp, I see the aircraft cross the final for 32 and turn around for final to 27L. The following is how the situation ended:
Me: "Uhhh, Gary, I think I'm just gonna hold short of 27L"
Tower: "Buckeye 50, you're cleared to cross 27L, to the ramp, and stop on by the tower on your way out"
Me: "You might wanna take a look out your window"
Tower: "Why I don't see......wait a minute! Cherokee ###, just where the devil do you think you're going today?"

I had to stop the plane for a minute just because I was laughing so hard at how he phrased his question to the cherokee. Needless to say, after I packed up the plane, I headed over to the tower and we had quite a laugh at that little incursion.

FlyerJosh

Had this conversation a few years back:

"Peoria Approach, Blue Ridge 7612, Airport in sight."

"Blue Ridge 7612, traffic to follow is a Cessna at your 3'oclock, 2 miles, on a three mile final."

"Blue Ridge 7612 has what looks to be a Warrior at 3"oclock."

"Roger Blue Ridge, follow the, uh, inverted Cessna- cleared for the visual, contact the tower 119.1"