YGBSM2017

Hello aviation enthusiasts! I am looking to compile hilarious, unbelievable, and entertaining aviation stories. If you have something that you'd like to share, please post below or send me a PM for more details. Definitely a great opportunity if you've always wanted to get a crazy story put out there.

I'm currently working with a friend on a project and would appreciate any help. Thanks very much. If you also have any ideas as to where I can go for some great stories let me know. I am also sure that if people post some great stories, this could be a very popular thread for everyone to have a good laugh every once in a while!

JohnBurke

If you want bat**** crazy, that would be my ex mother-in-law. She can be tied to aviation the same way that Kevin Bacon can be tied to everything else in seven easy steps (or less). Rest assured, if you've ever flown, on the darkest of nights and in the worst of weather, into a cloud that was etched with the face of the devil himself, she was nearby, telling him what to do.

She made a hell of a corn muffin.

YGBSM2017

Feel free to elaborate!!

Fat Old Tired

Pilots love to talk about themselves, but even more than than, they want to tell you ALL about their flying. I am sure you will find no shortage of pilots wanting to share their memorable moments and how successful they are. You should see how awesome the conversations are in the crew rooms at the airlines. All flying talk. Flying this, flying that, schedule/bidding, etc.

JohnBurke

Well, it was dense; just a single muffin felt like half an engine block sitting in the stomach, and it took half a pitcher of water to get it down without it swelling up and blocking the esophagus. Roll it around in some sugar, though, or soak it through with butter, and it was tolerable, and damned if it didn't make a whole meal, because after that, no one asked for seconds. She didn't bother with the paper wrapping, and god help anyone who had a muffin thrown at them, because a wet-packed snowball encasing a jagged limestone rock would be safer. Her muffins had the same properties as corn, which is to say the ability to look the same coming out as going in, 150 grit sandpaper both ways, and St. Yeager have mercy on the man dumb enough to complain. Her muffins might sit for ten minutes, still hot from the oven, or ten weeks. No difference. Bacteria were afraid of her. In her presence, physics lost it's nerve. Humidity had nothing on her. The muffins never dried out, never went bad. They simply existed in a state of perpetuity that made the fountain of youth look like mountain dew mixed with antifreeze, and made even the venerable twinkie seem perishable and corrupt. A local judge was in the habit of sentencing felony offenders to two of her muffins, and if they were repeat offenders, they might get three. Nobody ever had four. She sold a tray of them to the department of defense, once; three to the Air Force, and three to the Navy. The USAF dropped them in Iraq; they hit so hard they made a crater that has yet to be plumbed for depth. It hit a village and kept going, sucking in the surrounding homes, and some say it surfaced on the other side of the globe, though no one lived to tell. The USN simply looked on, observed, and pushed theirs overboard. Those three muffins sucked so much moisture from the sea that for a week, it was a walk on dry land from Darwin to Diego Garcia and even then, years later, it's still filling back up. There was nothing symmetrical about them. They were haunting to gaze upon, and to this day, I still have nightmares about those muffins.

She made one hell of a muffin.

The only drawback was that hell wouldn't take them.

TiredSoul

There I was upside down flying an ILS down to minimums in a snowstorm with an engine on fire.
In a 727 flying night freight. Single pilot of course.
You know just because I’m that good.
Most pilots will recognize 5 out of 6.

JohnBurke

That inverted ILS is okay if it was a back course. That way you get normal sensing.

John Carr

Pfffffft

I would have snapped the jet into a half roll, put out the boards, and pulled the crippled bird into a near vertical dive! We are coming down faster than a Doctor in a V-tail Bonanza. Pull up and the ship is dead on 240 kts..well above Va, but the jet is about to come apart...limitations be damned! Our destination is ahead and I will nurse her there! Speed is good, here comes the gear....then the flaps....speed checks here comes some more flaps! Jam a bunch of rudder in and slip her in...we HAVE to get this crate on the ground...and now! While all this happening, finish the business section of the USA Today, call ops, the company, MX, my wife and last but not least, the news....they will want to see this! ROLL THE TRUCKS!!!! Foam the RUNWAY! CALL A PRIEST!!! We are coming in! Roll out on final, lining up, on speed....less than a 1000 to go...it is looking good but will she hold? 500 on glide...(by the way, it is a Cat XXII approach with winds gusting to .78..and it is a direct crosswind..still well below my personal mins)..approaching mins...I am going heads up...(I roll inverted so I have a better view of the field), see the lights....LANDING! Snap upright....In the zone, on speed...and most importantly...ON TIME!

I call MX that we are on the deck and to just bring some duct tape, two drywall screws and a pair of vice grips...we only have 25 minutes to turn this *****...we will ferry her back to base. Taxi to the gate and I call ops to have the clean up the goo that was once my FO.....

After all this effort and what can only be described as a stunning feat of airmanship....there is a ground stop to LGA.

A few months ahead....ALPA National dedicates their HQ building to me but I forgot to show up wearing my pin so I am told to go home.

TiredSoul

Vmmo/Mmo it’s not a limitation it’s a goal

- legend in his own mind I used to fly with

John Carr

I strongly disagree! You see, I am captain. Not A captain. Just Captain. I had my name changed before upgrade. Consequently I had to change my middle and last name too. My middle name is now "is" and my last name is &@$nawam. Call me Mr. Captain &@$nawam. Now, if I could fit 16 stripes of my epilates I would. One for every FO I had to take the controls from at 2000ft because they deviated from the ATC directed speed by equal to or greater than 2 knots. Hey, rules are rules. And in Captain &@$nawam’s airplane, that chit don't fly. Literaly. And when I say "my airplane" I mean exactly that. I put an "inop" sticker over the banks name on the registration card with my name so there is no confusion who's aircraft it is. You can't argue with that piece of paper, and if you do, you are a terrorist and I will exersize my captain's autority as well as my FFDO authority and remove the "threat" to my position of power. And by "remove" I mean take over and fly single-pilot. In other words, nothing really changes. Now, I don't have a problem leaving my ego at the door when I get on my Airbua. Hell, I have no choice as my ego is too big to fit through the door. Litteraly, I have tried. I am forced to vallet it along with my massive balls in the cargo hold, and that is still a tight fit. Luckly for me, I can check on them periodically in flight throught the peep hole in the lav while I re-spike my hair and iron my blazer and hat. I digress. My point is, if I am foced back into the right seat, I am still the captain. I will NOT let go of the thrust levers on the roll, I will call for ALL the checklists, I will make 7 minute "welcome" anouncements and I will still say "clear left". The right side is not my problem. And I still get to taxi. It's a long reach from the right seat, but it can be done......at least on flight sim. So, send me back to the right seat if you will, but you can NOT send my ego back to the right seat! Ok, have to go. Somewhere, and FO is trying to make a desision on his own. Captain awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy..........hey mom, can I borrow the station wagon. and have you seen my hat?