"Ladies and gentlemen: The next PA in this concourse will be delivered this evening, by [use real name], a gentleman whose high character and unimpeachable integrity are only equaled by his comeliness of person and grace of manner.

And I am that man!

I was obliged to excuse the gate agent from introducing me, because he/she never compliments anybody and I knew I could do it just as well.

The [mechanical/weather/staffing issue] will be the subject of my lecture--when I get to it. And I shall endeavor to tell the truth as nearly as a pilot can. If I embellish it with a little nonsense, that makes no difference; it won't mar the truth; it is only as the barnacle ornaments the oyster by sticking to it.

Unfortunately, the [insert delay issue] is a repulsive one. It was a case of [delay issue] leprosy, of so dreadful a nature that I have never been able to get it out of my mind since I heard about it a few minutes ago. I don't intend that it shall give a disagreeable complexion to this lecture at all, but inasmuch as it is what is keeping us delayed.

It is a very hard matter to get a disagreeable object out of one's memory. I discovered that a good while ago. When I made my way down the jetway today I was shown some very interesting things, and I expected to recollect every one of them and pass them along to you-- but I didn't. I forgot every one of them--except one-- and that I remembered because it was unpleasant. It is [delayed issue].

I've never been so sick in all my life than I am now to have to tell you that, [dramatic pause, consider putting head down on gate counter] we are going to be delayed today because of it.[consider pounding fist 3 times on counter, do not lift your head]

But I am losing time; what I have been saying don't bear strictly on the [delay issue], but one reminiscence leads to another, and I am obliged to bring myself down in this way, on account of that unpleasant thing that I first saw there. It is not safe to come to any important matter in an entirely direct way. When a young gentleman is about to talk to a young lady about matrimony he don't go straight at it. He begins by talking about the weather. I have done that many a time.

My next remarks will refer to the [delay issue]. Now if an impression has gotten to you that this issue will cause us to go cartwheeling down the runway in a ball of flames, that is the error I wish to combat.

But I must run at this point. I'll be back to talk to you more about the [delay issue] in 15 minutes.